Sometimes...

Many years ago I was too afraid to say "Stay by my side", to say "I need you here with me". Because I said nothing at all, you left, not knowing just how important you once were for me. Now, a decade later, I see you online and I think to myself "should I tell you?". And I don't. I never tell you anything because I think you wouldn't understand. I think that maybe you wouldn't care, or it wouldn't be relevant. In your absence I learned about myself, and found the strengh to endure, to challenge and to survive. Maybe I wouldn't have found that if I had said those words so long ago. Maybe we would have tried out a reality where you and me would be "us". Or maybe I wouldn't have made all the mistakes that made me who I am today. Maybe we would both be different persons if I had had the courage to speak.
But maybe I wouldn't have the strengh I have today. And maybe you wouldn't have become the rebel activist you are now. I don't know. There is no way to know for sure. But I do know one thing... somehow, a decade later, even though I've healed the wound of losing you, the perfect woman I never won, I find myself staring at your picture online, looking at the green dot that marks you as online, and I think that maybe this decade just made us so much better for each other.
It pains me that our time has past... for sometimes... not everyday, not even every month, but sometimes I still dream of you. I still dream of those afternoons together playing a game I could have won hours before, yet kept dragging on waiting for you to find a way to beat me just to see that smile.
Sometimes, I still dream of you.
I hate dreaming...